woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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