My cat gives me a boner
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
