Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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