i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize