I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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