I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
