Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
