Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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