i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
