she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize