I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
