Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
