I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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