So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
