U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize