i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
