honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
