According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
