hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
