Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You pole danced in your parka.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
