I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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