I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
