I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
