I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
