I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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