Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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