Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
