I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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