I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
