I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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