Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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