So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
