I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I stole a fireplace last night.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
