I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
