Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
