she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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