I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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