i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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