if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Randomize
