wat bout pragnant strippers??
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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