I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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