btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
