i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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