I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
