I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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