this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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