I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
