someone threw a dead crab at me
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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