Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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