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Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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