i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize