I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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