you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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