its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize