Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
