i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
