There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
