I just saw a hot homeless man
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
