Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
