I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
