Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
