in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
