im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
