I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
