I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
